I cannot sleep, hence the post. Tonight I had an interesting
conversation with someone who may not think so but she is a lot like me.
I could say, we are a lot like each other. Sometimes that works in our
favor and in other times it drives a large wedge in our relationship. It
causes a myriad of contentious emotions that everyone in our path is
affected by. I
have always wondered why that is. If someone is a lot like you,
shouldn't you love them?! Shouldn't they be your favorite, like two peas
in a pod? I mean hey, they are just like you.
I
am trying to understand something though. How is it that someone in
essence can
ask you to become someone you aren't just to make them happy. I have
been told that I am a "know it all" who adds comments to
every conversation and I don't care what I say. That was rather rough. I
guess I make all sorts of medical comments that aren't wanted. Just
because this person knows a lot of nurses that seem to want to diagnose
everyone doesn't mean I do it all the time. I am being punished for
something I try not to do just because I
am a "wanna be nurse" at this point. Sure I can diagnose people with
the best of them. However, something kinda funny. I don't know a lot at
this point and I only have a few diagnosis that I can use. Let's see,
maybe someone has Hashimoto's disease, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Bladder
cancer, a thyroid storm, and my favorite, diabetes :) Really, compared
to everything out there, my list of things I know is super short. If
only that person knew, that
everyday in nursing school I am made to feel somewhat dumb. I am
constantly being reminded of how much I do not know! My knowledge of
anything medical only scratches the surface. If only this person knew
that at this point I breathe nursing stuff, I think about it daily and I
try not to think about while I am sleeping. If I try too hard I find
myself dreaming about it. Ugh! Really, can I not leave that for just a
few hours and get rest? If only this person knew that throughout the
week, that on top of my nursing stuff, I also have to think about
primary teachers, scout leaders, activity day leaders and especially the
80 plus
primary kids that need every ounce of love that I can give them. That
there are several kids that are constantly on my mind as I pray for a
way to help them seek their Heavenly Father during trying times. Not to
mention, I have two kids at home that need me as their mom to focus on
them first, nothing else. How to juggle so many things and then have to
find out that I pretty much suck and that I need to be quiet so as not
to add too many comments to any one conversation. I would never ask for
pitty, I simply ask for understanding.
I
wish that I was simply given the benefit of the doubt. That I was not
automatically thought of as the "know it all" but rather someone who
wanted to contribute what I may know. I don't know everything, that's
for sure! However, I do have some (little compared to some) life
experience under my belt. I might have at least one or two things that I know. How do I
just simply shut my mouth and allow others to carry on a conversation
without saying anything just to allow someone else to feel happy.
Really, do I need to be a silent statue to make someone happy. Am I
really that awful? Am I not allowed to share cool things about what I
have learned about just to avoid offending someone?
Something
that I try to do when I am hurt or angry at someone is to try and find a
way to serve them. I have tried many times to put this person before
myself. This person says thank you after receiving my service but I
don't understand why they cannot see that I am not a bad person and give
me the benefit of the doubt. Is that too much to ask coming from me. Am
I really that bad? The thing is, of course I would continue to serve
this person but at times I do it reluctantly. This is not what we are
taught to do as followers of Christ. Yep, I suck. I cannot even serve
without wondering if this person is going to blow up at the next thing I
say. I just truly never know.
In order to be treated
the way you
want to be treated you must first treat someone else with love and
respect. I myself lack in my treating this other person fairly at times.
If I
want to be given the benefit of the doubt I fully realize that I need
to allow myself to do the same. Perhaps when this person is challenging
my parenting style, telling me I am dumb while laughing or rolling their
eyes, they don't mean anything by it? Am I taking offense way to
quickly? Yes, I am, I am sure I am. But I am not the type of person to
sit and
allow others to walk all over me. If you are planning on attacking me,
expect it right back. Almost every time I see this person I prepare for
battle. Going in to see them with battle gear on and a bad attitude
about them never solves anything. I take part in disrupting a nice time
between others that we are around. I have actually called to apologize
to this person one time, they didn't take my call and I left a message.
They never called back to acknowledge their part in the argument. They
never even called to acknowledge my message period. I was hurt. I was
kinda mad. I didn't feel like being the bigger person but I did it. And
so it goes, the circle of contention continues
and I continue to reflect within.
I am looking at all
of my faults...this could take a while. I already know this is going to
take a lot longer than one night. This will take weeks, if not more. I
am human. I am learning. I am hurting. I am sad. I need to remind myself
that I am also not so bad. I also have a lot to teach others, if they
want to listen. I need to work on being a better me. I need to teach my
kids that they need to be kind to others regardless of the opposition
they are met with in life. I would like to spare them the 1am
retrospection session at the computer. Although truthfully, it does help
getting everything out in the open. So many emotions are floating
around in my head right now that "spitting it out on paper" makes it a
little easier.
Well, now it is 1:18am and I am wide
awake! Really?! After all of this introspection fun, I am will try to
get some sleep. Too late for melatonin and too early for any caffeinated
beverages such as soda :)
.JPG)
